Today all your financial problems are over. Today you are loved and appreciated by everyone you encounter. Today the ice in your drink will not melt too fast. Today you can wear button-down shirts and they won’t gap over your boobs. Today your teeth are looking really white. Today there is no weird smell in your car. Today everyone laughs at your jokes. Today your friends and family are throwing you a surprise party, and there will be cake, and anyone who uses the word “less” when they mean “fewer” will be asked to leave immediately.